goosebumps in my heart

i am a tranquil person 

i live my life alone 

things around me never changes 

coz shifting things chases the sanity out of me 

 you are a traveling person 

in one place you never stay for long 

far before i have seen you 

you vowed to make me turn 

 we live in a crazy world 

where ordinary life is not accepted 

everything has to be outrageous sometimes 

to spice up this life of ours 

i feel that you have pursued me 

and long before, i have felt that you did 

i ran away as fast as i could 

trying to hide beneath this clear facade 

you scare me, i am frightened 

by your sweet words, i have fallen 

i doubt, i am stricken 

with a love i am sure to go unspoken 

 as hard as i could, i want to dash away from you 

this is how you affect me 

darling don't scare me. 

here i am in this changing world 

i thought, my silence i could preserve 

but here you come, you've changed my life 

something that has never happened before 

presumptuously, you stole my heart 

before my very eyes, you picked it 

dazed it left me 

in a flash i knew not where it was 

you scare me, leaving goosebumps in my heart 

i am afraid by the seriousness of this comedy 

i am unsure where my place is 

in this whole candlelit, eerie space 

 i fear to tread on stormy waters 

the ponds, the lakes, i revere 

but the whole calmness of your love betrays the deep raging i feel 

 how can you be so sure? 

the world turns like a top 

so fast it goes and then stops 

i fear you'll halt before i know 

 so high, so down 

carousel-like is how it feels 

spin me fast, pull me abrupt 

it leaves me in a whirling frame of mind 

how far will this go? 

i fear i may stumble 

sweet words i cannot return 

in my grim condition, i moan 

 the winding road that leads to you 

bumps and turns, it is made of 

at every corner, it threatens 

from your shadow, i want to run from 

the straight road lead to me 

no hills, no cracks 

but wary, that i am 

suspense and fear is what i live for 

hair stands on its ends 

for face value i cannot trust 

so beautiful it looks 

but it drops like a ride on a run away coaster 

easy it would not be, 

long before i knew 

have pity on my shocked heart 

it dangles on a feeble string 

so quickly tossed, like the waves 

it is ever-mindful of this changing seasons 

i have to believe this won't last long 

coz forever scares the daylights out of me 

i have to believe my heart won't shatter.

learn to stand up where you've fallen

how far can you get?
how serious can you be?
when you have had it in your hands, are you willing to let it go?

'cause you were giving me a chance but i threw it away.
you were willing to love me but i was my skeptic self
i did not want to have to trust you or your words
i wanted to be left alone
i did not believe that it could happen, that it was possible.

how gullible can i be in the face of a passing time
why did i have to lean on my fears and not on my saving grace
where am i going, can you please tell me?

because life gave me an opportunity yet i ignored it
i have been waiting to learn to love
but at first glance, i shied away from it
your intentions were clear as day
i suspected you were something gray.

now i ask myself, where are you?
now my life is back
if i could catch you once again, will you still love me?

i am a cynic in my own right
but romance is in your breast so tight
i am cold-hearted and you are warm
i wanna feel you in my arms
are you real? will you stay?
are you serious or is this mere wordplay?

i have spent my sleeping hours thinking of you
i reserved my waking moments dreaming of you
i fantasized that things would come true
i never knew i was meant to be blue
i was starting to fall
i am lucky something caught me before i stumbled
i might not have fallen
but my mind wanders as if i have been loosened

nothing to think of, nothing to fear
no dreams to chase, no one to speak
no message, no love
i live to be unloved, forgotten
in the course of time, i am rotten.

learn to love when it comes
know it by its silver mane
sheath it, crown it
tie it and hold it
never let it go
because i, forever, will never know.

got to give myself a chance....stop worrying

before anything else, i would like to begin this blog with a horoscope. i am not usually besotted by this but sometimes, i have to admit that some of the things written are somewhat true.

so i opened my friendster today and this is what i found.....

The Bottom Line

Being lucky in love rearranges things in your life, right down to the details.

In Detail

You like to keep things the same as much as you possibly can. At the moment, however, that's just about impossible, especially when it comes to either work or joint financial ventures. Before you get upset about it and lay into whomever you think is responsible for trying to break up your day, give the change a chance. That way, if the end result is better than it would have been without any changes, there won't be any need for apologies.

how very timely and odd.

somehow it sums up most of what has been happening to me these past few weeks.

it started a few months back. i can't exactly remember the exact date because i did not pay attention at the time but i believe that it happened somewhere between august and September. there is this friend of mine, an acquaintance you might say, but a friend in my opinion just the same. he had been telling for the last month that he was going away for work. and so he did. to make it short, he did leave the city but he gave me one surprise. something that really surprised me despite its being common. he gave my number to his brother.

i did not know then that he did that. i was surprised one day to find a message from someone i did not know.

yes, he did gave my number to his brother. this brother of his was new at the city at the time and he wanted me to befriend his brother so he won't feel so alone. at the time I thought, what? he gave my number to his brother?! but then i calmed myself and told myself it was alright. i don't know this brother of his and anyway, it's not as if something's going to happen. so i let flow its course.

how very wrong of me to think that it was nothing and soon he would tire of talking to a faceless person. For he did not.

sometime after that, his brother was leading the course over to an entirely different direction. something above what we had. and i was shocked and angry. i've got to say i was angry.

somehow, those reading this would find it a very common thing to happen these days. still, there is the fact that i do not have unknown people texting me, sending me messages. i just let it happen out of consideration for the friendship I had with his brother.

And I was angry because I do not like people who are unknown to me courting me and telling me flowery words. because i believed then that it was most likely a joke and it is not right to play with someone else's feelings. I was so angry at him that I did not talk to him again.

But despite all that, I still kept on sending him quotes as a member of my phonebook and nothing else. One day, he sent me a message and told me "pag Xure oi".

during that time, I was so immersed in my studies that I forgot I got angry at him. well, it stopped me on my tracks. it made me think of my actions and somehow, I felt guilty for something i do not know.

weeks after that, we went on an outing trip somewhere. friends and acquaintancesof mine, including I, met on a place we all know. then there is this group of friends who are younger than I am who kept on talking about this faceless textmate of mine. I just listened and time after time, I would find myself asking wuestions about him. it turns out that it was his brithday the sunday before. and it also turned out that I had picked a fight with him on that day.

hmmmm.... so much for knowing.

so right there, I apologized to him and wished him a belated happy birthday. he did not reply to my message and i just put into my mind that it was my fault anyway. so there we went to this outing. Later that afternoon, when it was already beginning to get dark, we headed for home. the vehicle we rode on turned out to be owned by his employer. i forgot about it at the time. then, i found myself later outside the house of his employer and I saw him. it was the forst time i ever saw him. i recognized him because of the jersey he wore which had thier family name on it and because he looked like a younger and paler version of his brother.

I've got to say Iw as elated to have seen him not because he is handsome but because i've already seen him and he haven't seen me yet. it was this mischievous side of me who was egging me to send him a message about it. So I did. I thought at the time, why not have fun, right?

but he did not reply and i forgot about it. again.

the sunday after that, we were at church for an activity and there he was passing by me. I just felt I had to confirm about what I felt knew. I asked my friend who was beside me who he was and she replied positively. what happened next I knew nothing about.

this mischievous friend of mine suddenly called him and introduced us. i was so surprised that she did that and i found myself denying her introductions. i was looking at him and he was looking quite confused with us. so i introduced myself so he would walk away because I was so mortified.

the next morning, at two a.m, he sent me a message saying that he was going home. i got shocked and texted him right away as soon as I opened my eyes and found that message. he replied to it and he was already on the way home. i don't know what happened but i felt like i did not want him to go.

we texted the whole day and i found out that he was serious about his proposition. i did not know quite what to say. i am so unsure of myself and that horoscope is so alike with what my cousin told me. she told me to give myself a chance and to stop worrying.

well, i've decided to give it a try.

good luck to me.

when the time comes...

when the time comes....

for the ugly duckling to turn into a swan....

for cinderella's rags to turn into a gown....

for peter pan's body of wood into a human's body....

for the swan princess to turn into Odessa....

for the dancing shoes to dance again....

for king arthur to have lived once again....

is the time when............

i will be ready to face up to the challenges,

i am ready to come out of my shell....

i am...........

a whole person,

a stronger human,

a mind of my own,

a stubborness to match the backbreaking work i need to do

then.....

i know i have reached my goal,

i have known what life is really like,

i have known that i am ready to face the world i live in.

i will be happy and be able to surrender my soul forever.